Another Day

by Genevieve Munoz

Another day……dark, cold and grey. The sun has not shown itself in days. My face strained in agony… muscles aching in contracted contortions, a breath caught between loud wailing. I am in anguish…I feel like I’ve stepped into the pit of darkness. The ground gives way beneath my feet and I sink deeper still.

This is the pain of divorce – both physical and emotional. There are no toe holds in this pit – nothing to grab onto—no one out there to rescue me. This is it….just me; alone. I wrap my arms around myself in a tight embrace and gently rock back and forth, back and forth — curled up like an embryo. It is dark. It is quiet. I slip into sleep.

Morning comes fast and hard. It has snowed throughout the night and now I must apply the many layers of warm clothing to insulate myself against the harsh cold. Armed with shovel, I begin to dig out. The shovel’s scraping reminds me of my own scraping down to bare bones – of starting over.

I dig for hours and look to see that the job is almost done. I wonder if the shoveling is much like the grief and healing process – much work but in the end well worth the struggle, because in pain and suffering come growth and discovery – opportunities to learn more about oneself. I sometimes wish that the pain could be by-passed, but have decided that the only way out is through, and I welcome and am grateful for the many stages along my personal journey.

The digging out is done. It is an accomplishment I can feel good about. Slowly, I walk to the back yard, stop – then fall back into the snow. Pure exhaustion!! My eyes open and I feel my arms and legs begin to move… I have made a snow angel. It is the most exquisite, most perfect, most lovingly made snow angel. I lie there, still. Snow, wind, blue sky, sparkling jewels on tree and ground; I am aware of everything, EVERYTHING living and moving around me. It is the first time in a long time that I have looked….up.

I had asked God to send me a guardian angel this holiday season, and when I look out any of the back windows of my house – I can see her there…….in the snow.